Saturday, 19 June 2010

If Tears Could Build a Stairway...

If tears could build a stairway, and memories could build a lane,
I would bring you right home again.
Instead God looked around in his garden and found an empty place.
He then looked down on earth and saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you and lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful, He always take the best.
He knew that you were suffering, he knew you were in pain.
He knew you would never get well on Earth.
He saw the road was getting rough,
The hills are getting hard to climb.
So He closed your weary eyelids and whispered " Peace be Thine".
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone.
For a part of us went with you, the day God called you home.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems to be the same.
But as God calls us, one by one,
The chain will link again...

I like this poem, it gives me a good and positive views about my fathers death.Well it was 3 years ago I know but aacepting is really hard to do. But time heals the wound they say. I was healed yes, but there are times I still suffer for the lost. Some of my questions were answered about life's unfairness with what happend to him but sometimes I still grasp for more. It ripped and tore my heart everytime I get to remember how helpless we were, I was, that day, that moment,that time. If we were just rich we could have done more to prolong his life and perhaps he was not abroad all his life and all our lives to support our family. If I was not in denial, I could have talked to him and tell him how much I loved him.If I didn't take my course I could have spent a lot of time with him. And if he's still with us life won't be this hard, I could have even finished my BSN.
But that's all it happend for a reason I knew. It was the hardest thing to accept for me and I was so weak just then. Seemed like everything went dark and hopeless,meaningless and devastating. I end up questioning God and even nearly lost my faith and trust in Him. If I could just cursed life, I could have created thunder and lightning that very moment. Life was so unfair and cruel. I lost all my will to live. My father was just my only hope and inspiration to dream and excel in what I do. But God took him despite of the bargaining I asked Him. Obviously He didn't heard it, I said.And I hate him so much for that.I refused to pray and drowned myself to weakness. My thought was " I lost my dad, so what for to continue school and dream?" I totally lost all my interest and worst my dreams that I once made with my father.
Maybe Papa saw what was happening to me and so He asked God to enlighten his little girl. Lead her back to God again and trust in Him. Yes that night after my father's funeral, I had a dream and it was a voice that was telling me not worry because wherever my father is, he is happy and he's with God and all his sufferings had gone now. It streghtens me a bit and I prayed and started to renew back myself and faith to God. It was then life was made better, just everytime I miss my father I asked him to visit me in my dream and most of the time he does. And just then I realised that I never really lost my dad, he's still with us and will always be with us. =) I know he never want me to weep all along and waste my life cos of his lost, he won't be happy for that. And God too, He doesn't want me to be devoured by sadness and weakness so He held on me and did a lot of things to wake me up and realised that life is still moving on..I still have my mum and my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and came along James Burr..who put me back to life again and hope forit and of course to Love God more and more everyday. To trust and have faith in Him cos He always wants the best for me, for us...
Yes right..indeed! Another chapter of my life is aboout to come soon and I know God is with us all along and Papa is always with me and will still walk with me on my wedding day? will you papa?hehe..I love you so much and I miss you very much. Happy fathers day!
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