Thursday, 9 September 2010
I miss my makukulit na pamangkins, my little boys and girls. This photo was taken I guess 5 years ago, Haay now they are growing up so fast. And not knowing when I come back they'll gonna be big boys and girls. My niece who is cuddled by my sister in my back is now 13 years old, she's having a crushes already and worst might be a bf?huhu..She's so tall now, and all these baby boys are soon to be a big boys, super makulit. I miss them so much! I love them a lot, I love playing with them when I was there, very hands on ako sa kanila. i like taking care of them. Kaya hasa na ako sa bata la nang problema pagnagkaanak ako.hehe..But as of now they are all my babies and they will always be.
Thursday, 26 August 2010
Tuesday, 24 August 2010
Sunday, 15 August 2010
Saturday, 19 June 2010
If tears could build a stairway, and memories could build a lane,
I would bring you right home again.
Instead God looked around in his garden and found an empty place.
He then looked down on earth and saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you and lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful, He always take the best.
He knew that you were suffering, he knew you were in pain.
He knew you would never get well on Earth.
He saw the road was getting rough,
The hills are getting hard to climb.
So He closed your weary eyelids and whispered " Peace be Thine".
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone.
For a part of us went with you, the day God called you home.
Your love is still our guide.
And though we cannot see you, you are always at our side.
Our family chain is broken, and nothing seems to be the same.
But as God calls us, one by one,
The chain will link again...
I like this poem, it gives me a good and positive views about my fathers death.Well it was 3 years ago I know but aacepting is really hard to do. But time heals the wound they say. I was healed yes, but there are times I still suffer for the lost. Some of my questions were answered about life's unfairness with what happend to him but sometimes I still grasp for more. It ripped and tore my heart everytime I get to remember how helpless we were, I was, that day, that moment,that time. If we were just rich we could have done more to prolong his life and perhaps he was not abroad all his life and all our lives to support our family. If I was not in denial, I could have talked to him and tell him how much I loved him.If I didn't take my course I could have spent a lot of time with him. And if he's still with us life won't be this hard, I could have even finished my BSN.
But that's all it was..it happend for a reason I knew. It was the hardest thing to accept for me and I was so weak just then. Seemed like everything went dark and hopeless,meaningless and devastating. I end up questioning God and even nearly lost my faith and trust in Him. If I could just cursed life, I could have created thunder and lightning that very moment. Life was so unfair and cruel. I lost all my will to live. My father was just my only hope and inspiration to dream and excel in what I do. But God took him despite of the bargaining I asked Him. Obviously He didn't heard it, I said.And I hate him so much for that.I refused to pray and drowned myself to weakness. My thought was " I lost my dad, so what for to continue school and dream?" I totally lost all my interest and worst my dreams that I once made with my father.
Maybe Papa saw what was happening to me and so He asked God to enlighten his little girl. Lead her back to God again and trust in Him. Yes that night after my father's funeral, I had a dream and it was a voice that was telling me not worry because wherever my father is, he is happy and he's with God and all his sufferings had gone now. It streghtens me a bit and I prayed and started to renew back myself and faith to God. It was then life was made better, just everytime I miss my father I asked him to visit me in my dream and most of the time he does. And just then I realised that I never really lost my dad, he's still with us and will always be with us. =) I know he never want me to weep all along and waste my life cos of his lost, he won't be happy for that. And God too, He doesn't want me to be devoured by sadness and weakness so He held on me and did a lot of things to wake me up and realised that life is still moving on..I still have my mum and my siblings, my nieces and nephews, and came along James Burr..who put me back to life again and hope forit and of course to Love God more and more everyday. To trust and have faith in Him cos He always wants the best for me, for us...
Yes right..indeed! Another chapter of my life is aboout to come soon and I know God is with us all along and Papa is always with me and will still walk with me on my wedding day? will you papa?hehe..I love you so much and I miss you very much. Happy fathers day!
Thursday, 22 April 2010
I was in my 4th year of high school when my sister Leslie first introduced me to her friend James (who is now my fiancé). Leslie and I are close to each other, so I often visited her at her apartment and so James and I started to chat quite often. We became friends quickly and somehow our friendship soon turned into something quite special to me. However, the fact that James and I were living on different sides of the world made things hard and seemingly impossible for us. We were still young then and we both assumed that such a long distance relationship wouldn't work out, so I tried to forget the feelings and move on with my life. When I entered college, we lost contact for a couple of years as I got busy with my studies and so it was hard for me to remain in contact with him. However, in the middle of 2006, I received a message from him in Friendster and so we started occasionally communicating again. We exchanged messages every so often updating each other on our lives. I expected that he was already married by that time, which he also thought might be true about me … luckily we weren't. I started my nursing duties as a Practical Nurse at the end of 2006 and so we lost contact again. I still got messages from him sometimes which I replied to when I had time. During this time, he asked for my yahoo ID and he invited me to add him there.
I finished my practical nursing course at the end of 2007 and decided to live with my sister. My sister bought a personal computer in September 2008 which gave James and me a chance to keep in touch more regularly again. We emailed each other quite often and chatted sometimes when we could catch each other online at the same time (which wasn’t often due to time difference between our homes). During these little talks and laughs online, we were able to build up a relationship again but this time it seemed to be stronger than what we had before. We confessed our feelings to each other (how we had liked each other ever since our first meeting) and so we committed ourselves to a long distance relationship.
I was apprehensive at first with our relationship, I had a lot of "what ifs" running through my mind. I was worried with everything; the distance between us, the difference of culture and traditions and that our beliefs might not connect us somehow. I was also worried that his family and friends might not like me. One thing that bothered me was that they might have the impression that most people have of a Filipina marrying a foreigner; they think that it's just always for refuge, money and a visa. I can't blame them because I am sure that is true sometimes, but there's one great reason for me, LOVE.
The fear I had about people’s impressions of my desire to marry James is the reason why I told myself that I have to build something for myself (e.g. to excel in my own career) so that I can be someone for him to be proud of to his family and friends. Apart from that, I don't care what people think because first and foremost, I am marrying James because I want to spend the rest of my life with him. No matter where and what life will be as long as I'm taking the journey with him.
It might sound absurd to feel such to a man you had only ever seen online but that was what I felt and I just loved him even more when I finally met him for real on 27th May 2009 when he first came to the Philippines to visit me. I was really tense and felt like I had butterflies in my stomach as I saw the familiar face of a man headed out from the arrival area of Bacolod-Silay airport. My first impression of him was that he was lean and tall (considering my height). I called his name because he didn’t seem to be able to see me and I approached him and then he saw me and he came towards me with a smile and gave me a hug. We headed off to a hotel and stayed there for a night, then we went home the next day and we stayed at my Aunt's house for most of the rest of the days that he was here during that trip. My family met him and they said that he was nice and they also commented that he was very quiet (because he wasn't talking much). We had a really amazing time together; we visited some of the beach resorts here like Paradiso in Hinigaran, Mag-Aso Resort in Kabankalan, and Bahura in Dumaguete city. During his time here one evening, he got down on one knee and asked if I would marry him and I was delighted to accept, so the next day we bought a wedding ring and made our engagement official on 3rd June 2009 at a celebration that was witnessed by my family and friends. It was the happiest time of my life, those 17 days that we were together. We shared lots of things, laughed a lot and even cried together for the one reason that soon we were going to be apart again. He left the country on 13th June 2009 to go back to London. We were both crying hard the night before he left and crying lots more in the airport when we said goodbye. We knew that we would have to be strong for each other but that we were not alone; we both believed that GOD would help us to be strong and that He would not let us be apart for too long.
After 3 months he decided to come back here to be with me at the visa centre as I processed my application for a tourist visa to the UK to be able to meet his parents and experience the culture prior to returning home to start on my fiancée visa application, but this was unfortunately denied. He stayed here only for a week this time as he needed to go back home to his work for the start of the university term. We cried for some time over the visa denial (which we received on the last day he was here for before returning) because it meant that we'd be apart again for some time as I couldn’t travel to the UK as we had both hoped.
We never lost our trust in GOD though and I am thankful that we are both strong Christians or I am not sure how we would have got through it without GOD’s help to keep us strong and patient.
Recently, he was here for Christmas but he was not able to spend the New Year here also though. He stayed here for 20 very happy days. I was so touched because he chose to spend his Christmas here with my family and me of course and away from his own family. We both decorated our new house here (we renovated an old building next to my mum’s house here so that we would have a place to stay here) together for Christmas and had our house-warming on 25th December 2009. Those were the longest and happiest 20 days of Christmas in my life and now everything seems perfect for us. Being together all those days made us love each other more tenderly and I realised that I am so blessed, I have nothing else to ask for of GOD, because I already have James and as long as I'm with him I know I'll always be this happy.
I certainly know that marrying him will mean leaving my life here (my family, my friends, the culture and the traditions I have grown up with), but I'll be happy to learn about and to embrace living in his world, it might be hard for me to adjust, but that's ok as long as I have James beside me. I'll face that situation and make the sacrifices that I have to if that would only mean that I will be with him forever.
Tuesday, 20 April 2010
Oh so late to catch up todays blog..hehe. Was just busy, well the start of my day was. My mother inlaw and I went to hobbycraft at Westwood Cross to see what we can find for our wedding invitation. She found that store online and yes we found lots. Lots and lots of stuff for all kinds of invitation, for scrapbooks, for painting, sewing,cross stitch, knitting and etcetera etcetera. That was interesting place really.. You'll find it hard to decide what really is you want cos you'll find all they have there pretty suitable for what you want to do,esp. for invitations and scrapbooks.
And the night finished with us playing the "Weather Game" one of the card games my bunny has. Mind you he has a lot of all those stuff.hehe..One of those I like was " Thomas theTank Engine"..pretty youngsters,games of kiddo.. :P And now I'm done with this blog!Goodnight!
Sunday, 18 April 2010
It's a wonderful Sunday today! The sun is out and the temperature is quite good. Fairly accomplished cos I started it by worshipping and praising GOD. Had the chance to pray for my family back home and thank HIM for so many blessings HE gave me..Quite a lot.For the answered prayers, for all the strength in the midst of sadness..for everything.
Counting all those blessings and answered prayers is so much overwhelming and in gratitudeI bow down. I know now, and I will always do remember that HE loves me so so much and that HE only wants the best for me. I have proved that so many times in my 22yrs of living :) . HE's always there especially by those times I needed HIM the most.. HE sustained us when we found out that my brother had a kidney failure..HE lifted us when my father was diagnosed of brain tumor..HE helped me find the right path when I was lost and weary after my father died. HE never failed to enlighten me when I was confused and in doubt of everything.. And after all those struggles I realised, " Nothing I can never Endure" as long as I have Faith in HIM.
And now here I am, in the arms where HE destined me to be..the long journey of waiting is all worth it. Thank you LORD for even though I'm away from home, You've given me all these nice people here who makes me feel welcome and at home. Most of all thank you so much for such a kind and wonderful parents inlaw who welcomed me with warmth and love. And ofcourse for my ever loving hunnybun who is always patient of me all the time. :)
Saturday, 17 April 2010
Last Saturday James and I went to Westgate Garden to entertain our afternoon as my parents inlaw were out attending a bitrthday party. We were walking beside the river enjoying the views of the blooming spring flowers everywhere.Just as then this greasy swan catched my sight cos she looked lonely for and well obviously alone..I took a photo of her and noticed that maybe she was anxious that I was getting a picture of her so she never turned on the side where I was.I was like little kid enjoying looking at the swan floating..
And these are the hungry pigeons who caught my sight too. James said they are boring but I find them intersting. Tehy flew in flocks in search for food..they can fly whenever they want..as high as they can.They could see the things people couldn't and that's what makes them interesting..and different.
Just as I was writing things here in my blog about animals, I remember my pet before, his name was Jamie but he's no longer alive anymore. He was a fighting fish. I got him from a birthday of a friend's son last Dec.of 2008. I found this fish very intersting, how he changes his colour especially when he's angry. He became my way of relaxation sometime..all of us at my sister's house has one of this fish and we all had a race of who's fish will stay for long will win..unfortunately Jamie didn't stayed that long. But it was long enough for me to know how great it is to have something you call pet..
It has been 2 weeks and 2 days since I've been here in UK and I always miss them..my Family. Eversince I had my 1st step out of our little home, I already missed them. Not a day and night goes by that I'm not thinking of them. Every beautiful places I visit, I always wish they're enjoying with me. Everytime I eat delicious food, I close my eyes and wish they're having the same that moment. They are always a part of my dreams, every little dream I make for myself it won't be complete without them. Every step I make and every decision I made or will make, they're a part of it.
It was so hard for me leaving them..really really hard. For I've never experienced life without them and far from them in 22 yrs of my life. I was scared..very very scared. Cos I know deep in me that I was and I am very dependent with them. And then here's this that I have to learn living without them. And that I'm not their little girl anymore, I'm getting married and will have my own family very soon. That thought scared me more..cos I was anxious of the fact that from now on I should stand up not just for myslef but also for the family I will build.
I can still remember how I cried myself to bed 2 nights before we left. It was so painful that I cried so much without my bunny knowing..I don't know, the thought of leaving my mum suddenly came in my mind and a whole bunch of melancholy covered me.I even did want to back out from going with James here. I do want to be with hime so much but the fact that I'm leaving my mama after 22yrs made me doubt it. Just then I realised I am not a little girl anymore, I am getting older! I should be strong, independent and be a Woman enough for my family, just as what my mama and papa wanted me to be. So now I am trying to, for my family back home, for my papa and for my hunnybun and our soon to be family.
Friday, 16 April 2010
This clearly draws the picture of stillness, of calmness and peace I deserved to have that certain moment. So wonderful to walk in the beachfront and leave footprints in the white sand. Layback in the sand and hear the splash of the wave, the sound of the birds and the sound my bunny's laughter cos of my cracked joke. It was perfect..the place, the moment..everything! Just as we both wanted to be cast away in the real world at that time. Run away from the troubles and pathetic people causing it to us. Not because we were weak to face them, but because we both know they won't succeed. And that it was time for us to celebrate and thsnk GOD for He never made us to be like one of those pitiful people.
It awesome! Me and my bunny decided to visit this place and had enjoyed the adventure quite well. It was a long journey from our place in the Philippines, but I guess it was all worth it when we reached the resort. It was not a good time to mingle with other people thought cos we were just the only guests there.hehe..seems like we could own the resort! The view was very relaxing..away from all the worries.
Well this resort is Punta Bulata situated in Cauwayan, Negros Occidental Philippines. It was actually our consolation for our supposed to be Boracay trip but we were not able to go cos thinking of the land travel makes me dislke Bora a bit. So my bunny said we could have bora next time we come back to the Philippines and we'll pass through Caticlan airport so not that long travel!hehe..Bulata was good, the romms were nice and got a huge bathroom which was I enjoyed too. Just the pool not that big..but I found the evening there so romantic. We enjoyed it and especially the views and all the good photos we took..
Tuesday, 13 April 2010
After I had written my 1st blog yesterday, I was excited of writing again the 2nd blog for today. But as I woke up this morning and was sitting in front of the computer to start my today's blog, I ran out of thoughts of the topic to start it. So I decided to leave it alone and just do what I needs to be done. Until just this afternoon my mother inlaw and I went to the hospital to bring granpa (mother inlaw's dad) for his leg check up.It was all well and nothing really serious on granpa's leg.Thanks God!
Just after that we took granpa back to his house. He lived there alone yes. He got a good house, great dining area cos it's overlooking the garden. He had the photos of all his children and grandchildren hanging on the wall. He invited us for a tea and so we took a while there. And as I sat in the lounge having my tea, a touch of melancholy came up to me as I looked at grandpa. A sudden fear of the thought that what am I if I'm on his age..guh, was really out of the blue but I just realised that I guess, you just have to make all the time you have worth while with the person you love, family, friends and even stranger while you are young. Enjoy every taste, every bits and every happy memories it gives you. For when you get old, you can never do the things you used to do when you were young..but atleast, You'll have those memories to reminisce while you are sitting in front of the window, having a cup of tea, Old and Alone..
Monday, 12 April 2010
So much to think of what would be interesting topic or picture I should have in my first blog, I end up with this. My own made invitation online for our wedding.Yes I'm getting married! In 3months time I'm going to make the most wonderful vow a woman could ever make..to be with the only man she loved and will love for the rest of her life.Day by day I'm getting excited.Have so much to prepare for this big day though. But hopefully it'll be a successful, happy wedding for us. Though it won't be that complete cos my family will not be here to celebrate that special day with me.It would be happier if they will be here and happiest if my dad will be too.. But I know they understand and they are all very happy for me, especially my dad..wherever he is.